This morning after my children were up and full blast at 7am playing with the dog and having a terrific time downstairs by all the sounds making it upstairs into my bedroom, my youngest comes up and climbs onto my bed wanting to get me out of it.
Get up Mommy he says. I am awake I say with one and a half eyes open. I would like a cuddle I say and he snuggles in. I say do you love your Mommy and give him a squeeze. He then sits up and says he loves me and me loves Sarah just the same. Right there in my sacred bedroom he wants to tell me he loves his stepmother as much as he loves me. Intellectually, I am sure he has feelings for his stepmother but to be awoken with the fact smacking me in the face was a bit more than I could handle and I burst into tears. (I know, not cool!) So then he bursts into tears too and then I am stuck trying to explain how I am sorry I am jealous that she gets to spend all this time with him and that I wish it was me. Also that it’s not his problem and that Mommy isn’t impressed with Mommy being jealous since it’s an ugly thing to feel. He is blinking tear filled doe eyes at me but doesn’t get it. I explain that what if his friend Aiden moved into Mommy’s house and then if I told him that I loved Aiden the same as him. He blinks again, little mind thinking that Aiden living at Mommy’s would be so convenient. Then the older brother arrives and gets the low down on why Mommy and Little Bro are crying in Mommy’s bed. Big Bro gets it immediately and hugs Mommy and says he’s not forgetting about me.
Intellectually I can see that the jealousy is just a product of feeling powerless in the relationship. Emotionally it just makes me feel shitty to feel it, and also have my kids be aware of it since I burst into tears. I am not normally a jealous woman but when it comes to another woman spending this much time with my children the green eyes are coming out. Especially given the circumstances.
Kids report that Daddy is getting them Quads when they move up to Elkford, silently Mommy is thinking that their Father will have a couple of quadriplegics on his hands if he’s letting 8 and 9 year olds ride/drive ATV’s by themselves. If I ask him about it he will either lie or tell me its not my concern.
Kids report that they will be able to see me for longer visits when they move to Elkford, silently Mommy is wondering who is paying for flights and how am I going to afford to see my children if they are 988 kilometers away. Also how am I going to afford them living with me for these long visits while paying child support to their Father. Food, childcare and entertainment all add up to quite a bit.
Today I am hormonal and sad that all this is still going on. I want to feel peace in my relationship with my children, other than the squabbles over teethbrushing and homework. I don’t want to feel like the “other woman” in the relationship with my own children, I want priority loading.