We asked Gary Douglas, Founder of Access Consciousness:
What are a 2-3 of The Top Inhibitors to Intimacy and How Can Couples Overcome Them?
The top inhibitor to intimacy is judgment.
You’ve got to be willing to let your partner be exactly who they are, and have no point of view about it. One of my wives used to say, “You’re too fat. You’re too skinny. You’re too muscly. You’re not enough. You need Rogaine. Everyday there was something that was wrong with me.
As a result, I lost any sexual drive. When somebody is constantly doing a state of judgment about you, they are actually criticizing you and making you feel less. It doesn’t encourage sex or intimacy.
There was a man whose wife had a sign in the kitchen that said: “If you want a stud in the bedroom, don’t castrate him in the kitchen.” If you really want your man to be a stud in the bedroom, don’t nag the guy. Don’t criticize him. Don’t make him feel small.
Men have much more delicate egos than women. They just don’t do well under criticism. Women have learned that their friends tell them what’s wrong with them and that’s supposed to help them. Men don’t get that. Men don’t tell each other what’s wrong with them. They only talk about what’s right with them, not what’s wrong with their friend. Men are different and they function different. If you try to get your guy to be a better man by telling him what’s wrong with him, it doesn’t work. If you’re having intimacy problems in the bedroom, you don’t tell the guy how bad he is. You tell him how much you appreciated that one thing he did that was really good. Then you ask him for more of that. Pretty soon he’ll be asking what else he can do for you. This creates more intimacy in your relationship and more interest in your sex life.
Another inhibitor to intimacy is casual clothes. You want to create intimacy with your man. You want to create a sense of sexual excitement. That’s what creates intimacy between men and women. When I was growing up, my mother used to put on a new dress when my father came home. She would have her housedress on, but when he came home, she would put on a nice dress with her pearls and her earrings on, so that when he walked in the door, he would say, “Wow, you look beautiful, honey.” That created a sense of intimacy between them that I have not seen in most relationships. My mom was a brilliant woman. She never criticized my dad. She never told him what he was wrong about. She only acknowledged him for the good things he did. And she dressed well in order to excite him and keep him happy.
If you make your target in your intimate relationship: “How can I make this person happier? How can I create more possibility for them and me?” – what will happen is you will create a sense of intimacy and possibility that doesn’t exist in the world anymore. I love it when women tell me: “But this is so comfortable.” Don’t think you look cute in a pair of sweats. Those of you who are just a little bit overweight, don’t wear those tight spandex pants. They do not create desire in a man. Wear a dress or a skirt that shows off your waist and drapes off your hips, and he’ll wonder how quickly he can get to those hips. Different reality.
One other inhibitor to intimacy is assuming that your man is a girlfriend. What I see women doing is: “Let’s go shopping!” Men hate to shop. A friend of mine always used to say to my wife, “Men are always willing to go shopping with you until you get married. Then they never want to go shopping again.” Going shopping with you is part of the courtship. Men do not like to shop. They want to go in, find the thing they want, and get out. Women love to spend hours looking at stuff. A man having to sit there and say, “Yes, that looks great, honey,” drives him away. Don’t do that to him. If you want somebody to go shopping with you, get a girlfriend. Don’t do that to your man. If you do that, you’re going to inhibit your intimacy because he knows he can’t tell you the truth. If he doesn’t like the dress you’re trying on, he’s not allowed to tell you that. He knows better. You’ll chop off his testicles the next chance you get. So he learns really quickly to shut up and be quiet. It doesn’t create intimacy. You’ve got to look from a different point of view.
For the men, they’ve got to get that they are not women. They keep trying to create themselves like women. That eliminates intimacy. I watch all these men becoming sensitive new age guys who cry about everything. Pretty soon the woman hates them. Don’t be so sensitive that you’re not a man anymore. Don’t be so unkind to yourself that you make yourself less in order to make your woman happy. It doesn’t work.
If you really want to create a relationship, it requires you to be you, with no point of view. And it requires you to allow your partner to be them, with no point of view. Don’t think they have to change to make you happy, and don’t change you to make them happy. It will not work. It never will work. It’s the killer of every intimate relationship.
Gary, from your vantage point, what are a few of the most safe and effective natural products that can be used to enhance intimacy?
One thing that’s safe is actually to use what stimulates your husband or your wife. As you’re walking down the street, you can ask your partner: “Would you sleep with that person? Would you sleep with that person?” Watch how quickly they start to get horny. If you’re recommending that they sleep with someone, they assume you must want to have sex. Most people don’t want to admit that or acknowledge that. You’ve got to recognize that it’s a creative source.
There are all kinds of erogenous things you can get at the health food stores to help you get erections and maintain erections and those are all fine. But ultimately, it’s when you talk about sex. The greatest source for erogenous stimulation is talking about sex. Most women don’t like to talk about sex. Most women don’t want to think about sex. They think it’s wrong. They think it’s bad. They think it’s not what they’re supposed to do. They think they’re supposed to be above that. Most men just think about sex and they don’t think about much of anything else. I’ve found women who go, “Wow, I can’t wait until we go home and can have sex.” If the woman actually really wants to have sex, that stimulates me more than any kind of substance I can take. But unfortunately, that’s not what most women do.
I’d really like to recommend that women read Salon Des Femmes and The Gentlemen’s Club so they understand men and understand themselves. We’re not programmed or encouraged to be aware of who we are as beings and who we are as the sex organs we have chosen this lifetime. You as a woman have a different point of view then men do. Men have a different point of view than women do. We keep trying to see how the sexes are the same. They’re not. They’re different. Be aware of that.
Gary, what advice would you offer to couples looking to improve their overall sexual health, both from an emotional and physical health perspectives?
You’ve got to look at the person in front of you and go: “What do they need from me?” Not: “What do I need from them?” That’s one of the biggest killers that I see of most relationships. The woman goes: “I need him to do this.” Or the man goes: “I need her to do this.” That’s actually not creating the relationship. It’s destroying it because you’re looking what they’re not doing. You’re not looking at what they are doing. You’ve got to ask: “What can I do or be for this person that would create more life and possibility for them?” When you function from that one question: “What can I contribute to them to make this better?” – the world expands. You get better, they get better, and everybody gets happier.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Gary Douglas is a best-selling author, psychologist, and a sought-after international speaker who inspires people to see different possibilities. He empowers people to know that they are the source for creating the change they desire and for creating a life that goes beyond the limitations of popular beliefs and conditioning. Gary pioneered a set of transformational life changing tools and processes known as Access Consciousness® 25 years ago. His work has spread to 170 countries, with 2,000 trained facilitators worldwide. Simple but effective, these tools facilitate people of all ages and backgrounds to help remove limitations holding them back from a full life. Follow Gary on Twitter @garymdouglas and on Facebook or for more information visit AccessConsciousness.com and GaryDouglas.com.